Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Favorite Simpsons Quotes

I figured we could all use some levity. These Simpsons quotes crack me up.

And for an awesome Simpsons book... buy The Homer Book (Simpsons Library of Wisdom)

[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead.]
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there!
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

[Looking at Uruguay on a map]
Homer: Heehee! Look at this country! "You are gay."

[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.

Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

[In the car on the way to Florida]
Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me!
Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing!
Marge: Quiet, you two! You know your father's just had a breakdown.
Homer: My pockets hurt.

Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh, no! I'm not making two stops!

Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once -- just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live!

Carl: Throw away your self-pity and come get drunk with us.

Homer: I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap like that.

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, sure. We'd all love some *real* friends, Marge. But what are the odds of
that happening?

Comic Book Guy: Ack! There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now!

Marge: Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer: You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.

Bart: Oh, this is the worst Fourth of July ever, I hate America!

Marge: Homer, we can't take his money!
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money! Why don't I just lay down and die!

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

Homer: If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Homer: Oh yeah, Marge? I made a dollar!
Marge: While you were out making that dollar, you lost forty. And the plant called and said that if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: WOOHOO! Four day weekend!

Groundskeeper Willy
: If it was up to me, I'd let you go; but the Gods have a temper, and they've been drinking all day!

Dr. Hibbert: You can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs!

Homer: [after observing Barney's movie] Wow, I'll never drink another beer again.
Vendor: Beer here!
Homer: I'll take ten!

Homer: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am this week.

Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution!

Bart: As long as you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house?
Homer: NEVER!

Marge: The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it.

Marge: Homer, I'd like to talk to you.
Homer: But then I won't be watching TV!

[Homer has just been shot]
Lisa: You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for.
Homer: After pie.

[Bart and Homer are about to race their horse]
Homer: Don't worry. I've seen enough of the "Horse Whisperer" to know how to win a race.
Homer: [whispers to horse] When you're on the race track, run really fast.

Marge: I guess the moral of the story is that the reward for a good deed is the deed itself!
Bart: No, mom, because we got the cool giant head!
Marge: Okay. Perhaps the moral of the story is: no good deed goes unrewarded!
Homer: But Marge, we only got the big stupid head after I wrote that nasty letter to Mr. Burns!
Marge: Mmmm... okay, maybe the moral of the story is "The squeaky wheel gets the grease!"
Homer: Maybe there is no moral, Marge. Maybe it's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Marge: Homer, it's easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun, too.


Anonymous said...

It's the lads have a temper. As in his hands. Not Gods. Funny, though.

Jérémie Langis said...

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is "never try".
-Homer Simpson

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